"How To Make 100 Adorable Meringue Mushrooms a Whole Lot More Difficult Than They Needed To Be".
First, realize at 8:15 at night that it's going to rain tomorrow, so those meringues really should have been made today when it was clear and dry. Decide that it's not too late to make them & dig out the recipe. Get out the two jellyroll pans and line them with parchment. Do a really bad job of trimming the parchment, so that the paper is not particularly straight in the pans. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees Farenheit.
Crack 6 eggs and separate the whites & yolks. Be sure they are Jumbo eggs because your Sweet Husband didn't notice the difference when he bought the last 2 dozen.
Get out the wonderful KitchenAid mixer & whisk attachment. Wipe it down to be sure there is no residue, dust, or crumbs. Pour the six jumbo egg whites into the mixer bowl, attach the whisk, put the bowl up into mixing position, and see a tiny fragment of eggshell in the whites. Put the bowl back down, remove the whisk, detach the bowl, fish out the shell fragment, wash hands, put bowl back into position, reattach whisk, put the bowl up, and start the motor. Get the egg whites to just almost a nice soft peak stage, then realize that you forgot to add the Cream of Tartar with the egg whites. Add some, being sure not to measure it, and run the mixer some more to mix it in. Stop the mixer, & lower the bowl.
Get out the sugar, measure 1 1/2 cups plus a little, maybe 1 3/4 cups, to account for the Jumbo eggs. Read, "Add sugar slowly". Start the mixer running, and pour the sugar in in a stream. Wonder why it doesn't seem to be getting to the stiff peaks stage. Get out the Joy of Cooking, look up "Meringues, About", and find out that you were supposed to add the sugar a Tablespoon at a time. Oops. Don't find any information about how to fix a meringue if something goes wrong. Keep running the mixer and finally realize that you have, in fact, achieved stiff peaks stage. Take the bowl off the mixer and put the whisk attachment in the sink to soak.
Go get the stepstool and climb up to get the pastry bag supplies off the top of the refrigerator. Wonder, once again, how they ended up there inside the roasting pan in the first place? Open the supplies up and remember that the large pastry bag blew a seam the last time you used it. Get out a gallon Ziplock baggie to stand in for it. Don't find the large round tip. Decide to use the smaller pastry bag and a medium fluted tip. Put the gallon Ziploc away. Spend some time figuring out how to assemble the bag, tip, and plastic attachment thingy. Get it situated, open it up & start spooning meringue into it. Pause to wonder when the pastry bag had been washed last. Decide that it's been inside a sealed Ziploc ever since, so it's fine.
Pipe the mushroom tops, complete with lines from the fluted tip, haphazardly onto the parchment-lined pans. Be sure not to have any symmetry or organization in the process. Get to the end of the first bit of meringue in the pastry bag.
Get a bigger spoon and spoon too much meringue into the pastry bag, so that it won't close off completely. Now when you go to squeeze it through the tip, the meringue takes the easier exit out the top and onto your hand. Squish the excess out the top & decide if it goes back into the bowl or down the sink. Rinse your hand off & cursorily dry it, all while holding the overfull pastry bag in your other hand.
Get back to piping. Fill the first pan with tops, and count them. Count them again to be sure, since there is no rhyme or reason to their layout on the pan. Start piping stems onto the other parchment-lined pan. Fill the rest of the space with tops. Refill the pastry bag with the rest of the meringue. Pipe more stems, to have an equal number, in between the odd gaps in the first pan. Completely fill both pans, and realize that you have a fair bit of meringue still in your pastry bag. Using one hand, while holding the half full pastry bag in your other hand, open the drawer, get out the parchment paper, pull a sheet off onto the counter, and resume piping tops & stems. Realize you've got 93 of each now, but think there is no way you can get 7 more out of the amount of meringue left. Decide to do 2 more, to have 95. Keep piping to 100. Have a bit of meringue left in the pastry bag. Decide it's going down the drain!
Toss the pastry bag & mixer bowl into the sink & run some hot water in them. Blow the seam of the smaller pastry bag, in exactly the same way that you now remember that you blew the seam of the larger pastry bag.
Get a spoon & start trying to smooth the mushroom tops. About 2/3 of the way through, glance at the Joy of Cooking page about making meringue mushrooms & see that they recommend using a finger to do this. Decide this is a better plan, and do so. Go into a bit of a trance while doing this detailed task.
Get another cookie sheet down and slide it under the third parchment of meringues on the counter. Add a third rack to the oven, and slide the pans in. As it's now 9:30 and you want to go to bed before 11:30 when the oven should be turned off, dig out the oven manual and figure out how to set it to go off in two hours.
Start cleaning things up. Seal up the bag of unused pastry bag parts. Look up at the top of the fridge where they were found, and wonder why there seems to be another gallon Ziploc up there? Get it down, and find the large round tip that you needed at the outset. Roll your eyes, sigh loudly, put it into the bag with the other supplies, and store them in the drawer they should have been in instead of on top of the refrigerator.
Finish cleaning up, turn on the dishwasher, get a cup of tea, and go plop on the couch with netbook to share your idiocy with the world!
